Would it make a good tattoo? Labelling yourself

What are you labelling yourself with this week?

And should you be labelling yourself thus?

These are the final two cognitive distortions that we will look at in this current series of musings:

Labelling yourself and “should” statements.

What we label ourselves with is linked to how we view ourselves and how we talk to ourselves. Often, this is subconscious and automatic. We tell ourselves this without stopping to think about the truth or validity of the statement. 

“I am so stupid.”

“I am no good at this.”

“I am a terrible parent/friend/partner/colleague.”

“I am a failure.”

“I am ugly.”

Labelling, like all cognitive distortions, is damaging because it affects what we believe about ourselves, and this in turn affects our choices and behaviour. 

When we label ourselves, we are choosing to define ourselves with a single descriptor, often after a single event or behaviour. We do not allow room for objective and rational assessment of other factors at play, or past positive experiences. Our brains jump to classify ourselves with a word that fits our wrong and warped assessment of the situation and we berate ourselves accordingly. 

If you consistently label yourself as stupid, you are unlikely to put yourself forward for something that risks further exposure of your perceived stupidity. You are less likely to believe that you CAN do something, or that you WILL succeed because you have self-sabotaged at the outset by labelling yourself as stupid. 

This is sad, exhausting and overwhelming. And it robs those around you of the beautiful YOU who has unique skills and experiences, but is buried under the labels.  

We may do stupid things. In fact, we all do stupid things sometimes, we are after all human. 

But that does not make us stupid.

We may fail today, but that does not make us a failure. 

We may make poor choices today about our parenting, but that does not make us terrible parents. 

Here is a good question to ask yourself if you are tempted to stick negative labels on your lovely head:

Would it make a good tattoo?

I love this. It makes me smile because it brings to mind the person who said this in response to a conversation about how we label ourselves. As part of the workshop series I lead, I talk about negative mindsets and our negative self-talk. During one of these workshops, one of the participants used this question as a bench mark for how we talk to ourselves. Would what we label ourselves with make a good tattoo?

Would we have FAILURE or STUPID or UGLY tattooed on our bodies? 

I think – hope – not. 

So why say it to ourselves? Because in telling ourselves these negative things repeatedly, we are essentially tattoing those words on our minds, hearts and souls. 

Ouch. 

“Should” statements can often be linked to how we label ourselves. 

“I should be able to…”

“I should have…”

“I should do this…”

If we believe we are stupid, then it follows that we will also berate ourselves for what we should have been able to do. 

This can show up in other ways too – not feeling that we are in control of our choices because of how we should respond to the requests of others. People pleasing, being defined by the expectations of others or the unrealistic expectations we have of ourselves – these are just as damaging. We believe we should because of internalised family or cultural expectations that may be false. I wrote about this here, in talking about Boundaries, under the marvellous term I heard from a friend “Hardening of the oughteries.” 

Notice when “should” or “ought” is creeping into yourself talk. Ask yourself instead:

What is most important here?

Why am I doing what I am doing?

How am I labelling myself in this situation?

And when it comes to labelling and how we talk to ourselves, keep these two questions in mind this week:

Would it make a good tattoo? Would I say this to a friend?

And if the answer is no, choose to say something kinder and more gracious to yourself. 

You are after all, lovely. 

A free gift to deal with cognitive distortions. 

If all this has really struck a chord and you would like further input to re-write your negative thinking, I have a free gift for you. I have a short email course that takes you through simple (but profound) steps to break free of these negative patterns. 

Simply sign up HERE: Five steps to breaking the power of negative mindsets. 

This is a gift to you from me – but also this is a gift to yourself as you devote a bit of time to your own self development and growth and changing the tape on those cognitive distortions.